3.24.22
sorry for no updates! i've been playing vrchat quite a bit recently, and it's been helping me a lot. it makes me feel like my issues are a lot smaller in the grand scheme of things — a glimmer of hope i guess. i think i'm okay with being a magical girl, at least for a few days more. then in a few days i'll find another purpose again, and forget everything. i began recovering more memories, and burying the ones of blueberry tea. lemon tea — i'm unsure why, but i began crying at the thought of her yesterday. it's selfish, but all it took was the quote "i can't paint my world without you," and memories of my crying came back. i wonder why that is. i hope she's well. magical emile signing out.
3.21.22
i wanted to update here yesterday but i didn't have the opportunity. to be honest, i think i like neocities because it makes me feel like i'm not real. i'm emile, not strawberry shortcake when i'm on here, and something about that is comforting. maybe it's the fact that there's no standards for me here, i exist for me and me only. i like it. i'm upset though today. i've known this for years, but i've never been anyones first choice. everyone gets bored of me fast, and i feel as though no matter what i do i cannot stand out. the closest i had was with blueberry tea, but we fell out and now they're in love with lemon candy. no space for me around. i wonder if i'll meet someone who needs me again, because at the moment if i disappeared no one would notice. i've done it several times in the last few months, and no one bats an eye. tomorrow will mark a week since my last serious episode of suicidal ideation, but i cannot really say i'd easily make it out alive if i was given the opportunity. the only thing that really stopped me on tuesday was the fact that there's nothing ,, accessible lmao. i dunno. i'll just keep writing my little songs and hope the world shuts up or i form my own. maybe if i use my pc enough it'll heat up so badly it causes the inevitable heat death of the universe (i doubt it). magical emile signing out~
3.19.22
very sleepy today tbh. it was really odd - i couldn't recall a single thing after this morning, but i have to sleep in the guest room which was my old room and it... reminded me of everything again. gonna chill out and draw
for a bit to try and combat it. i'll get better soon! magical girl emile signing out~
3.18.22
you know, sometimes i kind of wish i could quit being a magical girl. i mean i'm not literally one, but it kinda feels like it sometimes? except my power would be screwing myself over time and time again with rememberings
things i shouldnt. superpower: recalling too much. i really wish i could erase my memories sometimes, but it doesn't seem like that'll happen soon. i'm like the worlds shittiest yet hottest magician. when i thought i'd finally
washed off the muddy colors, i began to bleed the very same ones i'd resented and wished to escape. wake me up when they invent that snail memory erasing operation for humans, because boy do i need it. i woke up with 6 hours of sleep
today because i had a flashback in a dream to their voice. in better news, i ordered my first coordinate today. irl magical emile incoming~